Author Archives: 2elderpreneurs

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar

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It’s the last day of 2014.  Nancy and Megan, RNs at Kaiser are preparing me for an Esophageal Manometry and like any good patient, I’m looking around the room for the subject of a joke?  After the procedure and before I left I told them I’d write one for them telling what happens when…

Faceshield

Not Nancy or Megan

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar.  The beautiful health care worker sits down and before she can even order a drink the guy on her right leans in way to close.  Seeing that her protective gear is blocking his path to action, he says, “Hey beautiful, how about taking off your armor and letting me see that beautiful face more clearly?”

Trying her best to ignore him, she looks straight ahead at the bartender and says, “I hope the company I bought this protective guard from will give me my money back because it’s not working.  I haven’t been here for more than a couple of minutes and I’m already getting sick.”

Glasses on the bar 6a

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This Camera walks into a bar

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My only goal when I woke up this morning was to get out of bed but that didn’t last long.  Suddenly a to do list started forming in my head and the blogs I hadn’t posted to in a while, like this one, were right at the top of the list.  My photography was on the list too (which allows me to shamelessly plug Bloomsations and More) and suddenly this strange picture developed in my now, wide awake mind.

This Camera walks into a bar and everyone turns and stares at him.  He pans the room in a flash, then focuses on the bartender and snaps, “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

Glasses on the bar 1

It’s Glasses on the Bar time…read how to vote this joke.

This Cell Phone walks into a bar

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This morning I performed a simple act of kindness; I removed my wife’s Galaxy S4 from the charger and set it on the table.  Suddenly, as if to thank me for my good deed, the tech world increased my digital bandwidth and I saw a new joke.

This Cell Phone walks into a bar, with a tear in her eye, and makes her way to a small table.  The server comes to take her order and noticing the drop of moisture, asks if there’s a problem.  The phone looks up and with a sob in her voice tells her story.  “My boyfriend and I were both called for jury duty last week but I was excused.  I didn’t hear from him for over three days and was really beginning to worry because I knew his battery had been low and I was so afraid he might have died.  Then a little while ago I got a call from a woman who told me he’d been found.”  “Well that’s wonderful” said the server, “so those must be tears of joy.”  “No,” said the little device, “the caller was from the District Attorney’s office and they’re charging him.”

Glasses on the bar 7b

Time to put those glasses on the bar!  Read how to vote.

This Chicken Lover walks into a bar

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Almost as soon as I got the idea for this joke, I ran into a problem because there didn’t seem like a way to come up with a punch line.  It was like staring at a recipe and realizing I didn’t have the key ingredient.  And then, like the pop of chicken dropping into hot grease, it hit me…

This Chicken Lover walks into a bar with a couple dozen of his friends.  The bartender steps out from behind the bar, as if to greet them, but instead, scoops them up into a mixing bowl and carries them to the kitchen.  He quickly adds an egg wash, gives them a good flour coating, and then drops the whole bunch into a fryer.  A few minutes later, he’s proudly serving happy hour appetizers.  One of the patrons in the bar, screams out, “You can’t serve those, that’s cannibalism.”  “No it ain’t,” says the mixologist.  “There’s a misspelled word at the start of this joke.  These are chicken livers.”

Glasses on the bar 6a

It’s glasses on the bar time!  Read how to vote.

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar

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This is for Jessica at Wells Fargo Bank in Martinez, CA., who sold me some twenty-five cent pieces and in all her years of banking , has never heard of a joke about a $10 roll of them.  Neither had I until after I promised I’d write one for her and came up with…

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar wrapped up in a brand new orange overcoat and calls out, “You’re looking at a new man.  Yesterday I was just a bunch of spare change lying around but today is my birthday and I want to buy everyone a drink.”

Suddenly cheers erupt, high-fives are exchanged and the bartenders start pouring beers.  Someone hollers out, “How old are yah?”  The roll beamed proudly and said, “This morning I became forty.”

Glasses on the bar 5a

Can I get some glasses on the bar please?  Read how to vote.

This Hat walks into a bar

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An NHL player slaps a puck into the net for the third time in a game and thousands of hats float onto the ice; a graduating class is presented to friends and family as caps are tossed joyfully into the air; and in moments of solemn reflection, hats are removed and held over the heart.  But a hat can’t walk into a bar, can it?

This hat walks into a bar and jumps up on a bar stool, calling out to the bartender, “How ya doin’ Mac?”  He gives the barkeep his order and pushes himself back on the stool to relax after a hard day’s work.  Just as his eyes slip shut, the sound of his drink glass being placed on the bar startles him.  He jerks up straight, loses his balance and tumbles off onto the floor.  The bartender runs around the bar to make sure he’s OK and then starts laughing uncontrollably at the site of the poor little hat on the floor.

He picks himself up off the ground, dusts off his brim and snickers at the bartender while climbing back onto his seat.  “Well, I guess that’s one rumor about you we can put to rest,” he says with a tease in his voice.  “What are you talking about?” the bartender replies.  “That you’ve got such a sour disposition, a team of comedians couldn’t get a chuckle out of you” the hat retorted.  “We know that can’t be true because you just laughed at the drop of a hat.”

Glasses on the bar 4a

Time to set up glasses on the bar.  Read how to vote.

This Cloudburst walks into a bar

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Eating lunch and staring at droplets of water splashing on a window, is not necessarily conducive to creativity.  But maybe it was the falling H2O that sparked a connection with my memory and I began to wonder if a famous composer could be woven into the fabric of a joke.  Suddenly, like being drenched by a monsoon type storm, it hit me.

This cloudburst walks into a bar and is about to order a round of drinks when a sprinkle, that had preceded the downpour into the tavern, squeals excitedly and points toward a table in the back. “It’s him,” she cries. The heavy shower looks where she’s pointing and with a sudden, wide-eyed grin, immediately breezes toward the man. Just as the torrent reaches his table, Burt Bacharach looks up, smiles resignedly and says, “Raindrops keep falling on my head.”

Glasses on the bar 3a

It’s glasses on the bar time…read how to Vote the Joke!

This Bird Feeder walks into a bar

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Funny how jokes come about.  After my wife and I recently bought a bird feeder for our yard, and enjoyed watching the visiting birds, I got the idea that a bird feeder could walk into a bar.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?

This bird feeder walks into a bar and asks for a Passenger Pigeon. “Sorry”, the bartender says, “We don’t serve seedy types like you.”

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This Celestial Body walks into a bar

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While trying to find out when the ‘walks into a bar’ joke genre began, I discovered that they have a page on Wikipedia.  The subject of this type of joke, according to the article, can be a man or woman, a famous person, people of various occupations, animals, and even inanimate objects.  We couldn’t agree more which might explain today’s subject.

This celestial body walks into a bar without a penny to his name and orders a pitcher of beer and four different appetizers.  The server brings everything ordered and says, “That will be $39 please.”  Between bites the planetoid calmly replies, “I don’t have any money.”  The bar manager, overhearing their exchange, immediately heads to the table and asks in a loud and angry voice, “If you couldn’t pay, why did you order all this food and beer?”  The heavenly sphere, clearly enjoying his food, looks up and says, “I figured after I ate everything you’d be happy and then it wouldn’t make any difference that I couldn’t pay.”  The bar manager, clearly bewildered, shakes his head and says, “And why in the world would you think that”  The glowing orb looked up and said, “Well, doesn’t everyone enjoy seeing a full moon?”

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Time to count up the glasses on the bar for this!  Read the voting scale

 

 

 

President Obama walks into a bar

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A friend of mine at work was the first to take the W.I.A.B. challenge, which you’re welcome to   read more about, thinking I couldn’t write a joke about President Obama walking into a bar.  After several weeks of near catastrophic breakdowns and comic blocks (don’t believe much of that), the following came forth from somewhere in my mind.

President Obama walks into a bar and drops heavily onto an empty bar stool between four men, all head down, engrossed in their drink of choice.  The man on his right looks up slightly from his drink and whispers, “Had a tough day Mr. President?”  The president looks over at his bar companion and is stunned to see George H. W. Bush.  He’s even more astonished to see who’s sitting next to the former president; Bill Clinton.

Suddenly, President Obama feels a tap on his left shoulder and turning, looks into the eyes of Jimmy Carter.  Before the flabbergasted president has a chance to say hello, the man next to former President Carter, George H. Bush, pokes his head up and smiles at everyone.

After a collective gasp, they suddenly begin talking and sharing White House stories like best friends. The bartender, a former card dealer in Vegas, turns to a co-worker and quips, “I think we just got dealt a political full house.”

How many glasses on the bar do you give this joke?  Read the voting scale