Category Archives: Professions

Court of Retirement

Leave a reply

I’m attending a retirement party later today and my gift to the guest of honor is a joke in the Walks Into a Bar genre.  While not a fancy watch, I hope this token of my friendship is well received.

This retired attorney walks into a wine bar and sits on her favorite stool. She orders a drink and some appetizers and the regular bartender, without any provocation, angrily starts asking one question after another about her order. Finally, confused and hurt, she says, “Why are you treating me like this?” He leans across the bar, the smile she’s used to suddenly breaking out across his face, and says, “Now that you’ve been retired for a while Leslie, just thought you might enjoy a little cross examination.”

Glasses on the bar 6a

 

 

 

 

So now that you have the joke, how many glasses on the bar will you give it?  That’s the way we vote around here.

This Sailor walks into a bar

Leave a reply

I’ve featured a lot of inanimate objects in my jokes so far, but not today.  We’re talking a real live person, a sailor to be more precise.  You know, this just might be the first in a series of armed forces humor.

This Sailor walks into a bar with a notebook in his hand.  He sits at a table by an open window and suddenly starts tearing pages out of the book and throwing them through the opening where they’re carried away by a stiff breeze.  Seeing him motion for a server to take his order, the bartender steps from behind the bar and walks up to the table.

“Bring me a pitcher of dark beer” the sailor says.  The bartender, himself a former Navy man, says reluctantly, “Sorry mate, I can’t serve you.  You’re already three sheets to the wind.”

Glasses on the bar 3a

Step up to the bar and cast your vote.  How many glasses on the bar does this deserve?

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar

Leave a reply

It’s the last day of 2014.  Nancy and Megan, RNs at Kaiser are preparing me for an Esophageal Manometry and like any good patient, I’m looking around the room for the subject of a joke?  After the procedure and before I left I told them I’d write one for them telling what happens when…

Faceshield

Not Nancy or Megan

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar.  The beautiful health care worker sits down and before she can even order a drink the guy on her right leans in way to close.  Seeing that her protective gear is blocking his path to action, he says, “Hey beautiful, how about taking off your armor and letting me see that beautiful face more clearly?”

Trying her best to ignore him, she looks straight ahead at the bartender and says, “I hope the company I bought this protective guard from will give me my money back because it’s not working.  I haven’t been here for more than a couple of minutes and I’m already getting sick.”

Glasses on the bar 6a

Want to vote for this joke?  Read how now!

 

 

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar

Leave a reply

This is for Jessica at Wells Fargo Bank in Martinez, CA., who sold me some twenty-five cent pieces and in all her years of banking , has never heard of a joke about a $10 roll of them.  Neither had I until after I promised I’d write one for her and came up with…

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar wrapped up in a brand new orange overcoat and calls out, “You’re looking at a new man.  Yesterday I was just a bunch of spare change lying around but today is my birthday and I want to buy everyone a drink.”

Suddenly cheers erupt, high-fives are exchanged and the bartenders start pouring beers.  Someone hollers out, “How old are yah?”  The roll beamed proudly and said, “This morning I became forty.”

Glasses on the bar 5a

Can I get some glasses on the bar please?  Read how to vote.

This Ripe Cantaloupe walks into a bar

Leave a reply

If you read my last post, you’ll know the creative juices were flowing enough to wonder what would happen if an acronym walked into a bar.  Well, I haven’t squeezed everything out of my mind yet and the joke’s still mostly pulp, so I decided to retreat to the archives and share one of the jokes I wrote before launching this site.

This ripe cantaloupe walks into a bar and hops onto a stool. Before she can even order, a white and sable, long-haired dog comes out of nowhere, and in two bites swallows the sweet little fruit. The dog, turns and shuffles back to its seat with the glummest look anyone in the bar has ever seen.

The bartender turns to one of his customers and says, “I’ve never seen a mutt do that. Wonder what type of dog it is.” The guy at the bar, who happens to be an animal doctor, puts down his drink and replies, “I’ve seen loads of them. That’s a melon collie.”

Vote for this joke – How many bar glasses do you give it?