Category Archives: ~Walks Into a Bar

Court of Retirement

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I’m attending a retirement party later today and my gift to the guest of honor is a joke in the Walks Into a Bar genre.  While not a fancy watch, I hope this token of my friendship is well received.

This retired attorney walks into a wine bar and sits on her favorite stool. She orders a drink and some appetizers and the regular bartender, without any provocation, angrily starts asking one question after another about her order. Finally, confused and hurt, she says, “Why are you treating me like this?” He leans across the bar, the smile she’s used to suddenly breaking out across his face, and says, “Now that you’ve been retired for a while Leslie, just thought you might enjoy a little cross examination.”

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So now that you have the joke, how many glasses on the bar will you give it?  That’s the way we vote around here.

This Acronym walks into a bar

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Way back near the beginning of this blog I wrote about a joke featuring acronyms and today, that joke has come to fruition.  In the event you’re not comfortably conversant with chat talk, follow the links in the story below as you read the tale of how…

This Acronym walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. The bartender strolls over, all smiles, and says, “How you doin’ tonight my friend?” “GR8,” the little abbreviation replies. “Can I get you a beer?” says the barkeep. “PLZ, Y2K.” The barkeeper fills up a glass, delivers the cold beverage to his friend, and gets a hearty “TYVM!”

After a few minutes, the mixologist returns and asks, “Is there anything else I can get for you tonight?” “NO,” replies the acronym with a smile. The bartender, clearly puzzled, says to himself, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

Time to Vote

Time to Vote

 

 

 

 

How many glasses on the bar do you vote for this one?  Read how to vote!

This Fork walks into a bar

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When most people say something they regret, there are several next steps.  Mine, after such a situation occurred the other day with my wife, included identifying a new ‘walks into a bar’ joke…

This Fork walks into a bar and asks for a drink.  The bartender, suspecting the utensil of being way to young to be in the bar, let alone trying to buy alcohol, asks for ID.  Lowering his tines in embarrassment, the fork says, “I’m not old enough to have a license but if you let me stay, I think I could be very helpful to you or some of your customers.”  “And why would that be?” the bartender asks sarcastically.  “Well, I’d come in very handy when people need to eat their words.”

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Is that worth more than two glasses on the bar?  Read how to cast your vote.

This Sailor walks into a bar

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I’ve featured a lot of inanimate objects in my jokes so far, but not today.  We’re talking a real live person, a sailor to be more precise.  You know, this just might be the first in a series of armed forces humor.

This Sailor walks into a bar with a notebook in his hand.  He sits at a table by an open window and suddenly starts tearing pages out of the book and throwing them through the opening where they’re carried away by a stiff breeze.  Seeing him motion for a server to take his order, the bartender steps from behind the bar and walks up to the table.

“Bring me a pitcher of dark beer” the sailor says.  The bartender, himself a former Navy man, says reluctantly, “Sorry mate, I can’t serve you.  You’re already three sheets to the wind.”

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Step up to the bar and cast your vote.  How many glasses on the bar does this deserve?

This Snickers walks into a bar

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There have been several jokes to hit these pages with a Food & Drink twist but this is the first one featuring a candy bar, and it just happens to be one of my all time favorites.

This Snicker’s walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The guy on the bar stool next to him leans over without warning and bites the snack in half. He chews, swallows, smiles, and then turns to his friend and says, “The commercial’s right, that satisfies.”

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Vote the Joke…how many glasses on the bar would you give us for this joke?

P.S.  Rumor has it that the community at Mars Chocolate was so touched by the this little bar’s misfortune, that they developed a new product in his honor… Snickers Bites.

Another P.S.  A  Big Shout Outto Christopher (Domain.com) for his IT help on the site.

This Bicycle walks into a bar

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Like many commuters , I utilize a combination of ride-sharing and rapid transit to get around and am always looking for material for new jokes.  After getting off my BART train this week and waiting for the next leg of my trip, this funny idea biked right up to me.

This bicycle walks into a bar with every type of flying insect smashed into his face.  The bartender looks at him knowingly and says, “Just got off the bus?”

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How many ‘Glasses on the Bar’ do you give this joke?  How to Vote!

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar

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It’s the last day of 2014.  Nancy and Megan, RNs at Kaiser are preparing me for an Esophageal Manometry and like any good patient, I’m looking around the room for the subject of a joke?  After the procedure and before I left I told them I’d write one for them telling what happens when…

Faceshield

Not Nancy or Megan

This Nurse Wearing a Face Shield walks into a bar.  The beautiful health care worker sits down and before she can even order a drink the guy on her right leans in way to close.  Seeing that her protective gear is blocking his path to action, he says, “Hey beautiful, how about taking off your armor and letting me see that beautiful face more clearly?”

Trying her best to ignore him, she looks straight ahead at the bartender and says, “I hope the company I bought this protective guard from will give me my money back because it’s not working.  I haven’t been here for more than a couple of minutes and I’m already getting sick.”

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Want to vote for this joke?  Read how now!

 

 

This Camera walks into a bar

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My only goal when I woke up this morning was to get out of bed but that didn’t last long.  Suddenly a to do list started forming in my head and the blogs I hadn’t posted to in a while, like this one, were right at the top of the list.  My photography was on the list too (which allows me to shamelessly plug Bloomsations and More) and suddenly this strange picture developed in my now, wide awake mind.

This Camera walks into a bar and everyone turns and stares at him.  He pans the room in a flash, then focuses on the bartender and snaps, “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

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It’s Glasses on the Bar time…read how to vote this joke.

This Cell Phone walks into a bar

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This morning I performed a simple act of kindness; I removed my wife’s Galaxy S4 from the charger and set it on the table.  Suddenly, as if to thank me for my good deed, the tech world increased my digital bandwidth and I saw a new joke.

This Cell Phone walks into a bar, with a tear in her eye, and makes her way to a small table.  The server comes to take her order and noticing the drop of moisture, asks if there’s a problem.  The phone looks up and with a sob in her voice tells her story.  “My boyfriend and I were both called for jury duty last week but I was excused.  I didn’t hear from him for over three days and was really beginning to worry because I knew his battery had been low and I was so afraid he might have died.  Then a little while ago I got a call from a woman who told me he’d been found.”  “Well that’s wonderful” said the server, “so those must be tears of joy.”  “No,” said the little device, “the caller was from the District Attorney’s office and they’re charging him.”

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Time to put those glasses on the bar!  Read how to vote.

This Chicken Lover walks into a bar

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Almost as soon as I got the idea for this joke, I ran into a problem because there didn’t seem like a way to come up with a punch line.  It was like staring at a recipe and realizing I didn’t have the key ingredient.  And then, like the pop of chicken dropping into hot grease, it hit me…

This Chicken Lover walks into a bar with a couple dozen of his friends.  The bartender steps out from behind the bar, as if to greet them, but instead, scoops them up into a mixing bowl and carries them to the kitchen.  He quickly adds an egg wash, gives them a good flour coating, and then drops the whole bunch into a fryer.  A few minutes later, he’s proudly serving happy hour appetizers.  One of the patrons in the bar, screams out, “You can’t serve those, that’s cannibalism.”  “No it ain’t,” says the mixologist.  “There’s a misspelled word at the start of this joke.  These are chicken livers.”

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It’s glasses on the bar time!  Read how to vote.