Category Archives: ~Walks Into a Bar

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar

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This is for Jessica at Wells Fargo Bank in Martinez, CA., who sold me some twenty-five cent pieces and in all her years of banking , has never heard of a joke about a $10 roll of them.  Neither had I until after I promised I’d write one for her and came up with…

This Roll of Quarters walks into a bar wrapped up in a brand new orange overcoat and calls out, “You’re looking at a new man.  Yesterday I was just a bunch of spare change lying around but today is my birthday and I want to buy everyone a drink.”

Suddenly cheers erupt, high-fives are exchanged and the bartenders start pouring beers.  Someone hollers out, “How old are yah?”  The roll beamed proudly and said, “This morning I became forty.”

Glasses on the bar 5a

Can I get some glasses on the bar please?  Read how to vote.

This Hat walks into a bar

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An NHL player slaps a puck into the net for the third time in a game and thousands of hats float onto the ice; a graduating class is presented to friends and family as caps are tossed joyfully into the air; and in moments of solemn reflection, hats are removed and held over the heart.  But a hat can’t walk into a bar, can it?

This hat walks into a bar and jumps up on a bar stool, calling out to the bartender, “How ya doin’ Mac?”  He gives the barkeep his order and pushes himself back on the stool to relax after a hard day’s work.  Just as his eyes slip shut, the sound of his drink glass being placed on the bar startles him.  He jerks up straight, loses his balance and tumbles off onto the floor.  The bartender runs around the bar to make sure he’s OK and then starts laughing uncontrollably at the site of the poor little hat on the floor.

He picks himself up off the ground, dusts off his brim and snickers at the bartender while climbing back onto his seat.  “Well, I guess that’s one rumor about you we can put to rest,” he says with a tease in his voice.  “What are you talking about?” the bartender replies.  “That you’ve got such a sour disposition, a team of comedians couldn’t get a chuckle out of you” the hat retorted.  “We know that can’t be true because you just laughed at the drop of a hat.”

Glasses on the bar 4a

Time to set up glasses on the bar.  Read how to vote.

This Cloudburst walks into a bar

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Eating lunch and staring at droplets of water splashing on a window, is not necessarily conducive to creativity.  But maybe it was the falling H2O that sparked a connection with my memory and I began to wonder if a famous composer could be woven into the fabric of a joke.  Suddenly, like being drenched by a monsoon type storm, it hit me.

This cloudburst walks into a bar and is about to order a round of drinks when a sprinkle, that had preceded the downpour into the tavern, squeals excitedly and points toward a table in the back. “It’s him,” she cries. The heavy shower looks where she’s pointing and with a sudden, wide-eyed grin, immediately breezes toward the man. Just as the torrent reaches his table, Burt Bacharach looks up, smiles resignedly and says, “Raindrops keep falling on my head.”

Glasses on the bar 3a

It’s glasses on the bar time…read how to Vote the Joke!

This Bird Feeder walks into a bar

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Funny how jokes come about.  After my wife and I recently bought a bird feeder for our yard, and enjoyed watching the visiting birds, I got the idea that a bird feeder could walk into a bar.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?

This bird feeder walks into a bar and asks for a Passenger Pigeon. “Sorry”, the bartender says, “We don’t serve seedy types like you.”

Glasses on the bar 1

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This Celestial Body walks into a bar

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While trying to find out when the ‘walks into a bar’ joke genre began, I discovered that they have a page on Wikipedia.  The subject of this type of joke, according to the article, can be a man or woman, a famous person, people of various occupations, animals, and even inanimate objects.  We couldn’t agree more which might explain today’s subject.

This celestial body walks into a bar without a penny to his name and orders a pitcher of beer and four different appetizers.  The server brings everything ordered and says, “That will be $39 please.”  Between bites the planetoid calmly replies, “I don’t have any money.”  The bar manager, overhearing their exchange, immediately heads to the table and asks in a loud and angry voice, “If you couldn’t pay, why did you order all this food and beer?”  The heavenly sphere, clearly enjoying his food, looks up and says, “I figured after I ate everything you’d be happy and then it wouldn’t make any difference that I couldn’t pay.”  The bar manager, clearly bewildered, shakes his head and says, “And why in the world would you think that”  The glowing orb looked up and said, “Well, doesn’t everyone enjoy seeing a full moon?”

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Time to count up the glasses on the bar for this!  Read the voting scale

 

 

 

President Obama walks into a bar

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A friend of mine at work was the first to take the W.I.A.B. challenge, which you’re welcome to   read more about, thinking I couldn’t write a joke about President Obama walking into a bar.  After several weeks of near catastrophic breakdowns and comic blocks (don’t believe much of that), the following came forth from somewhere in my mind.

President Obama walks into a bar and drops heavily onto an empty bar stool between four men, all head down, engrossed in their drink of choice.  The man on his right looks up slightly from his drink and whispers, “Had a tough day Mr. President?”  The president looks over at his bar companion and is stunned to see George H. W. Bush.  He’s even more astonished to see who’s sitting next to the former president; Bill Clinton.

Suddenly, President Obama feels a tap on his left shoulder and turning, looks into the eyes of Jimmy Carter.  Before the flabbergasted president has a chance to say hello, the man next to former President Carter, George H. Bush, pokes his head up and smiles at everyone.

After a collective gasp, they suddenly begin talking and sharing White House stories like best friends. The bartender, a former card dealer in Vegas, turns to a co-worker and quips, “I think we just got dealt a political full house.”

How many glasses on the bar do you give this joke?  Read the voting scale

This Ripe Cantaloupe walks into a bar

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If you read my last post, you’ll know the creative juices were flowing enough to wonder what would happen if an acronym walked into a bar.  Well, I haven’t squeezed everything out of my mind yet and the joke’s still mostly pulp, so I decided to retreat to the archives and share one of the jokes I wrote before launching this site.

This ripe cantaloupe walks into a bar and hops onto a stool. Before she can even order, a white and sable, long-haired dog comes out of nowhere, and in two bites swallows the sweet little fruit. The dog, turns and shuffles back to its seat with the glummest look anyone in the bar has ever seen.

The bartender turns to one of his customers and says, “I’ve never seen a mutt do that. Wonder what type of dog it is.” The guy at the bar, who happens to be an animal doctor, puts down his drink and replies, “I’ve seen loads of them. That’s a melon collie.”

Vote for this joke – How many bar glasses do you give it?

My First Post

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On my Facebook page dedicated to ‘Walks Into a Bar’ jokes, I’ve already shared the stories of a plush toy cow, an oyster and a pearl, an apathetic man, a little girl, and a box of paper clips, but that’s not my first joke for this blog.  That honor goes to…

A Cereal Bar from Trader Joe’s

Trader Joe’s has a line of cereal bars and I picked up the apple box expecting to find the punch line of the joke somewhere on the wrapper of the bar.  I was disappointed when no such funny ending was found but at least I enjoyed the snack.  My wife pointed out that the real joke was the name of the food item…This apple walks into a bar (cereal bar, that is).  Seemed to me though the store had made a big mistake by not writing jokes for each fruit flavor and I chose to do something about it.

What Happened Next

I emailed Trader Joe’s with my first joke and offered to write them for each variety of cereal bar they produced.  I received a polite response which left me thinking my next career would probably not be writing jokes for a supermarket chain and shortly thereafter, the idea to go social happened.  Here is that first joke.

So this apple walks into a bar and sits next to this beautiful blonde. He looks at her and says, “Hey sweet thing, you’re a peach I could sink my teeth into.” “And you”, the blonde replied sarcastically, “are rotten to the core.”

In retrospect, I think it could have been written better and maybe I’ll reintroduce the joke later.  From the apple bar, I moved on to another flavor, but that’s a post for another day.